1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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