Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
there is puke in my bra ... again
Randomize