I wanna passion pit in your ass
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Randomize
