last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
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