Is this a definitive no? All is forlorn? Such is fine, but i'm drunk and a sucker for concrete answers
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
