There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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