Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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