hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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