He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
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