Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Michael Bay diarrhea
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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