I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
