I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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