I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
