One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
