You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
