If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
