I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
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