my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
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