Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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