So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Randomize
