either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Randomize
