and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize