she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Randomize
