Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Randomize
