I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
