Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Randomize
