i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
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