I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
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