Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
