I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
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