By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize
