i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Randomize
