barbara walters just said penis...
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Randomize
