You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
