we have pet lesbian snakes
If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
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