Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
I want you more than these girls want KFC
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
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