My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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