that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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