My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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