She is in my trunk
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Randomize
