She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Found the puke drawer
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
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