I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
i out mim tonsoeep
Randomize