I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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