Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
