Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
You took a bar mat shot.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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