dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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