So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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