Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
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