The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
