This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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