ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
Randomize
