I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Randomize
