his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Randomize
