got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
