its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Randomize
